Relationships are built on trust, commitment, and the willingness to be fully present with another person. However, there’s a subtle behavior that can undermine even the strongest bonds: cookie jarring. At the National Academy of Behavioral Science (NABS), we recognize that understanding this concept is crucial for fostering healthy, committed relationships.
What is Cookie Jarring in Relationships?
Cookie jarring in relationships refers to the act of keeping someone else as a backup option while you are already in a committed relationship. Much like having a literal jar of cookies on standby when you’re on a diet, this metaphorical “cookie jar” represents the emotional safety net of knowing that you have an alternative if your current relationship doesn’t work out.
This might involve staying in touch with an ex, flirting with someone new, or even maintaining online connections that could potentially turn into something more. The existence of this backup option might not seem like a big deal at first, but it can have significant consequences for both your partner and the overall health of your relationship.
The Psychology Behind Cookie Jarring
At its core, cookie jarring is rooted in fear—fear of vulnerability, fear of being alone, or fear of committing fully to one person. It’s a way to shield oneself from the potential pain of a relationship ending. However, this safety net often becomes a crutch, preventing genuine emotional intimacy and full commitment.
The National Academy of Behavioral Science notes that cookie jarring can create a false sense of security. While you may feel reassured knowing there’s someone else in the wings, this behavior can erode the foundation of your primary relationship. It fosters a mentality of “one foot out the door,” which can lead to emotional distance, mistrust, and ultimately, relationship dissatisfaction.
The Impact of Cookie Jarring on Relationships
Cookie jarring can have a profound impact on both partners and the relationship as a whole:
Erosion of Trust: Trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If your partner senses that you’re not fully committed, it can create feelings of insecurity and doubt.
Emotional Distance: Maintaining a backup option often leads to emotional detachment. When you’re not fully invested in your relationship, it’s difficult to build a deep, meaningful connection.
Increased Conflict: The presence of a cookie jar can lead to misunderstandings, jealousy, and resentment, all of which can escalate into larger conflicts.
Self-Sabotage: By keeping a backup option, you’re subconsciously preparing for your relationship to fail. This mindset can prevent you from putting in the effort needed to make the relationship work.
How to Break Free from Cookie Jarring
Recognizing the pattern of cookie jarring is the first step toward breaking free from it. Here are some strategies recommended by the National Academy of Behavioral Science:
Acknowledge Your Fears: Understand why you’re keeping a backup option. Is it due to fear of commitment, rejection, or being alone? Acknowledging these fears is the first step toward overcoming them.
Close the Cookie Jar: If you’re serious about your relationship, it’s essential to cut ties with backup options. This might mean unfollowing, unfriending, or setting boundaries with people who could jeopardize your relationship.
Invest Fully in Your Relationship: Shift your focus from what could go wrong to what you can do to strengthen your bond with your partner. Invest time, energy, and emotion into your current relationship.
Communicate with Your Partner: Open and honest communication is key. Discuss your fears and concerns with your partner, and work together to build a stronger, more secure relationship.
Seek Professional Support: If cookie jarring is a recurring pattern in your relationships, consider seeking help from a therapist or counselor. They can provide valuable insights and strategies to help you build healthier relationship habits.
Conclusion
Cookie jarring may seem harmless, but it can silently undermine the foundation of your relationship. By recognizing and addressing this behavior, you can foster a deeper, more committed connection with your partner. At the National Academy of Behavioral Science, we are committed to helping individuals and couples build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Let go of the cookie jar, and embrace the fullness of love and commitment. Your relationship deserves nothing less.
